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  1. #1

    Red face [=..aNswering machiNe..=]

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    ..well thanx for calling 434-2322 iif yUu wish to speak to Tim en' push 1 on ur touch tone phone now.. iif yUu wish to speak to Lynn en' push 2 on ur touch tone phone now.. iif yUu have rong number en' plzz push 3 on ur touch tone phone now &.. all of this button pushing doesn't do anything but it is a good way to work off anger makes us feel like we have a big time phone system

    roses r red, violets r blue,
    sugar is sweet, nd so r you
    roses have wilted, violets r dead,
    sugar bowls empty, nd so is ur head
    roses stink, sorta like sheep
    Buh leave ur name, number, nd message after beep
    roses r molding, violets r rotten
    nd ii might call yUu back, if ii havent forgotten

    twinkle twinkle little star..
    bet u're wondering where we are?
    well put ur mouth up to phone..
    nd leave us a message for wen we get home..
    nd if yUu can make ur message rhyme
    we’ll call yUu back in half the time!!!!!

    ..this iznt answering machine - iz a telepathic thought-recording device so aftr tone cud yUu plz think bout ur name nd ur reason for calling nd a number where ii can reach yUu&.. ii promise tht ii will think about returning ur call

    ..ii m sorie ii aint come to the phone nw coz ii have amnesia nd ii feel pretty stupid tlking to ppl ii dunt even remember.. ii wud highly appreciate it if yUu cud help me out by leaving mah name nd tlling me smthyng bout mahself thanx a lot..

    ..hii.. ii m probably here buh avoiding sum1 ii dunt like.. leave ur name nd message .. &.. iif ii dunt call u bak en i's yUu.. sorie +thanx for calling

    ..hi this is me ;; ii m sorie ii aint answer ur phone ryte nw .. leave message nd then plz wait by ur phone until ii call yUu bak..

    ..we r sorie.. yUu have reached an imaginary number plz rotate ur phone to 90 degrees nd en try agen.. or multiply ur number by 1 nd try agen thnkew

    ..umm ii dunt exist at a moment buh iif yUu will leave ur name nd message &.. number ii will call uu bak wen ii am..

    ..thnkew for calling the confessional hotline.. father john isnt here right nw, buh if yUu will leave your name, number &.. confession at the tone .. he will get bak to yUu wid absolution as soon as possible nd remember confession doesnt count unless yUu confess all of ur sins in vivid &... graphic detail !!

    ..thanx for calling Dial-An-Idiot.. ryte nw all our idiots r kinda busy buh uu can leave ur name nd number aftr the tone &..we'll have an idiot return ur call as soon as possible..

    ii aint cume to phone nw so if ..well actualli ii CAN come to phone now ii mean like ii m at phone NOW- recording this message buh ii m doing this NOW while you're listening to it LATER except for yUu ii guess it's NOW, like, wen you're listening to it... ii mean, like, wait, gosh.. This is so confusing

    (Spoken in a granny voice):"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot"

    yUu dummy! u've called while m OUT! Five minutes u've missed me by AT LEAST five minutes.. R yUu stupid or wah? Can't you get anything right? u people make me sick! Leave a message nd I'll call you back! BEEP..

    ..hi ii m actualii home at moment buh nt feeling like listening to whatever ur problem iz so if yuu leave ur name nd number at the tone &.. wen ii will feel like responding to ur message ii will.. thnx

    "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
    If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
    If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
    If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
    If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
    If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
    If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
    If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

    ..hey iz john here if u r phone company ii already sent the money.. if u r mah parents en plz send me money nd ..if yuu r finanacial aid institution en yUu didnt lend me enuff money.. if yUu r mah frenz en yUu probably owe me money.. &.. if yUu r female en dunt worrie ii have plenty of money..
    When you were born, everyone around you was smiling and you were crying. Live your life so that when you die, you're smiling and everyone around you is crying



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